Monday, September 21, 2015

Hope through depression

Over the past year I have known what deep depression is. Where you would rather be dead then have to live another day like this. Where you feel there is no hope for anything ever getting better. You think no one will ever understand what you are going through or how you feel. I realized I didn't need or want sympathy, I didn't need or want to be told what to do or how to get out of the pit. What I wanted and truly needed was a listening ear. But I didn't feel like I had a person that would really meet this need the way I needed it to be met. I became so depressed my husband told me I needed to seek help. Which at the time deeply hurt my heart. Like deeply. How could he say that to me?! I see now he felt totally lost. All he could see was his wife was having a major struggle every day. He didn't know how to help. He didn't know what to make of it. Our family was hurting because of this depression.

I was releasing every emotion, every feeling out onto my kids and husband. I was damaging these precious relationships every single day. My words were unkind; my actions were too. I myself didn't know what to do. How to fix this. No, that's not totally true. I knew I needed to read my Bible, pray, and sing, but I just couldn't do it. I couldn't do it. My sorrows were too great. The hopelessness too big.

Summer came, and with it, a lighter yoke. A new day. A new season. A fresh perspective. A revelation that I have a say in this. I have a say in my daily life. I realized that I cannot make people keep their word or do things I think they should do. I can't make everything go my way. I cannot keep the hurts and dissapointments from my heart no matter how big of a wall I build. I do, however, have a choice in how I respond these hurts and dissapointments. These hurts and disappointments are some of the things that I had been dwelling on that led me to this depression and anger. I hadn't dealt with anything. I hadn't made a choice to learn and grow. That is until recently.

Since the revelation that I do have a say in what goes on in my life and my mind, I have been making a conscious effort to keep calm, to not continually think on things that make my heart hurt or angry, and to forgive then let things go. I have been doing much better at removing myself from situations that make me angry and not returning until I have dealt with my heart and am calm. Honestly, that process can take awhile, but it does happen. Not every time, but most.

There is no way on this planet that could overcome this depression and anger without help from my Heavenly Father. I can do all things through Him (Philippians 4:13). I am an overcomer (1 John 5:4). I may be beaten down, but never destroyed (2 Corinthians 4:8-9).

If you happen to be depressed or know someone who is struggling with it, please know there is hope in the midst of it. Even when there seems to be only darkness, there is hope.















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